You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
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