oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Randomize
