My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
