So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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