Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
