Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
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