I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
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