that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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