All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
