For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Randomize
