I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Randomize
