$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
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