That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Randomize
