eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
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