don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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