Im at strip club and am horny
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
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