Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Randomize
