Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
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