ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
Kenny Powers is just a normal guy with exceptional hair
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
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