My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
