just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
