There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
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