i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
