Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
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