I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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