I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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