I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
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