Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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