I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Randomize
