and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
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