You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
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