If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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