i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Randomize
