i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
