I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
