No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
