Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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