god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Randomize
