And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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