I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Randomize
