Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
i need some magic done to my vagina
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Randomize
