dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize
