Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize
