im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
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