apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
