dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
