she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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