just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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