the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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