Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
