I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
I molested 6 butterflies tonight
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Randomize
