I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
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