Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
