Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
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