This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Randomize
