don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
