I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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