Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
she woke up with a sticky ear
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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