if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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