My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
