Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
