well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
Randomize
