Pregnant stripper...not hot.
Bts the comment you were making during that picture was "look we have penises"
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
