if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
