This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
